


Unlikelihood

by ununoriginal



Category: LUNA SEA
Genre: M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-05-21
Updated: 1998-05-21
Packaged: 2017-12-14 09:32:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/835404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ununoriginal/pseuds/ununoriginal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just like you're not meant for me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unlikelihood

You were shocked.  I know you were.  Although you swiftly masked it with that oh-so-sweet expression I never realized you had.  Later, someone (I can't remember who) told me that the screaming from the audience practically increased tenfold.  But I can't remember that at all.  I only recall the roaring in my ears, the rush of the blood as it pounded through my veins… and the fire from your lips that burned mine.

I guess you can't believe I did that.  Were you revolted, or did you feel pleasantly surprised?  I don’t dare to ask.  Really.  I wouldn’t know what to do if I found out the answer.  Frankly, I can't believe I did it too.

I wish I knew -- could be sure -- of what you are thinking.  Then I wouldn’t have to ride this roller coaster of emotions, my mood swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other.  Then again, maybe I _don't_ want to know, because I might just end up perpetually wallowing in that pit of self-pity.

The only place where I can feel confident enough to touch you is on the stage.  There, I know you'll never reject me.  You love it too much -- to be outrageous, to shock and titillate.  I can touch you then, hug you and kiss you -- all in the name of the performance.

Will you ever realise that all those girls are merely a smokescreen?  Maybe "smokescreen" is rather unfair to them.  I _do_ like them, truly I do.  Every time I plunge head-on into an affair, I feel so _sure_ that she is the one.  It's not coincidence that every single one of them are sweet, docile things -- not outspoken, not taller than me, not in the possession of eyes and a smile that bring to mind the devil.  The devil I would willingly follow to the farthest depths of hell, if I let myself.  

Do the others realise, I wonder?  J might suspect, I remember the strange looks he gave me after the concert that night.  Ino probably doesn't know anything yet.  He's really dense when it comes to these matters.  Shinya most probably sensed it.  Even though he's always behind the drums and appears removed from us, he's actually most conscious of the undercurrents in any situation.

It feels so ambivalent -- to be back in Luna Sea.  The space going solo gave almost made me forget the things I felt for you -- almost.  I was nearly convinced that I had purged everything… until our first performance at the Blitz.  
   
I was so engrossed in singing, riding the "high" that always comes with being in front of a screaming crowd so crazy over us, loving every minute of it.  Then I suddenly sensed that you were near me, _very_ near, and coming closer.  I blanked for a moment, but of course, it must have been inevitable that we touch.  The fans loves it, _expect_ it.  Although half a foot of space still separated us, the shrieks had already doubled.  And we couldn't let them down, could we?  I reached out, and the screams could have brought the walls down.

The moment I touched you, the truth hit me, I never got over you.  It all felt so good, to have my arms around you, your face so close to mine, your unique fragrance underneath the sweat.   It's too easy, slipping back into the farce of self-delusion.  I thought I had crawled out of the hole, but now I've fallen back in, sinking ever deeper.

The time away has changed you, as I'm sure it has changed all the rest of us.  You're even better now and in my eyes, you truly shine.  The lyrics for "Shine" took me the least time to complete.  Most probably, I was thinking about you when I wrote it.

But still, I should be truthful to myself.  Though getting together again brings back all the pain I had forgotten during my stint as KR, I don't regret it.  Pop has a way of dulling the senses, numbing one to everything.  But now, I experience every emotion with a sharpness and clarity I never knew I missed.

Sometimes I come across doujinshis, stories written by our fans that pair us up.  I always start daydreaming after reading those, and wondering "what if"?  But I won't tell you what I feel -- I can't.  I'm too cowardly to take the well-meaning "advice" of those writers.  My threshold for pain is already way too low for me to risk further disappointment.

So we'll just continue down this path as we've always done.  If you manage to find out by yourself, then… well, I don't know myself.  But regardless of whether this eventually comes to light, at the moment I'm positive that we still have a long way to go.  The sweet pain is worth seeing you and having you close again.

Anyway, I should stop rambling now.  I've got to go do something I'll never ever be comfortable with.  It's time to say sayonara to my latest gal.  I hate it, and hate the kind of person I've become, stringing them along like that.  But, well, I'm not meant for her… just like you're not meant for me.

That's life, I guess.


End file.
